It’s been 13 years. Today is my anniversary and it may be the loneliest I’ve ever been. 13 years that have included raising kids without much of a village or support system, plus nearly two years in isolation in North Platte, the unexpected deaths of close family members, topped with a global pandemic have seemingly left me with only my husband for adult companionship. And while I like him and I love him, he isn’t around enough to be enough. He works long hours, he’s torn in five directions by the kids when he’s home…there’s never enough time for us. And I’m lonely. Up until recently, there was always someone I could nonsense text throughout the day when I was bored. I couldn’t grow together a girls night every few months, find someone who’d be interested in going to a movie or a concert.
For 13 years we’ve been building ourselves into this life where it’s just us. My sister got a job outside of the home and more of my messages, if I even feel brave enough to send them, go unseen or are left on read. My two closest friends, the people I’ve grown up with who have seen me at some of my worst moments, are suddenly gone and I don’t really know why. Nothing concrete happened. I saw my best friend Angel a year ago, not unusual for us. The interaction was okay, as far as I could tell, but she was already drunk when she showed up and as we parted ways she said “I know you hate me” and we haven’t spoken since…until I sent her an out of the blue message hoping to reconnect. While she technically did respond, it wasn’t much to go on…the ball is really still in her court and it doesn’t seem like she’s doing anything with it.
My friend Mike, on the other hand…I don’t even know. He’s going through his own shit, I guess, or that’s what he keeps telling me, but who isn’t? Our dynamic has felt off for months. Once again, I’ve grown tired of always being the one to reach out, and once again…I’m left waiting for someone else to throw the ball back to me.
I’m being self-pitying, I know, but that’s what this space is for…I had to step away from social media so I’m not word-vomiting negative feelings for hundreds of people (or you know, 50ish based on my story views). Almost every best friend I’ve ever had has had another best friend. I was never the obvious favorite child. I don’t think anyone ever threw me a surprise party or decorated my locker for my birthday. I’ve always had friends, but I’ve ever felt like I mattered. I’ve never felt like anyone’s first choice. I always wonder if I’d have a closer relationship with my mom if I were the one reaching out, but…why does it always have to be me? I want to feel like someone wants to talk to me or spend time with me, I want them to make the effort. And when my own mother doesn’t, why should anyone else? Travis and I are only together because I was aggressive. I instigated. My stubbornness has kept us going. My insistence on having kids. Every decision has been mine. It’s what I thought I wanted after being married to someone controlling and manipulative, but…now I just feel like maybe I took on that role. Maybe I’m just controlling and manipulating someone else. Someone who has told me that he was the dumpee in all of his previous relationships. Sometimes I look at myself, at the chaos of my life, and wonder who in their right mind would choose this?
I’m just really sad. And really lonely.
