I've been having a hard time with this place, and feeling especially homesick for our old stomping grounds. If we could take the mild weather we've been having out west, and our schedules that allow us some weekdays together and apply them back home to some long, relaxed zoo trips, I would be the happiest girl in the world.
I've slipped into a little bit of a funk. I don't really like leaving the house except to work, and I've had to talk myself more than once out of quitting my job and becoming a full-time hermit. I'm no stranger to depression and anxiety, and I've sort of learned to deal with it.
First I have to let myself feel my feelings to an extent. I need to ride the wave without letting it pull me too far under. I think having so much help from Travis and so many distractions with work and the kids has helped. Sometimes I just want them all to go away for a while and let me fall into my slump.
After a while, I fight back. And I really have to force it. It involves a combination of cutting out or cutting back on things that make me unhappy, doing more of the things that bring me joy, and pushing myself a little out of my comfort zone. At times, it's just a matter of reminding myself what I've already made it through, and that I'm still here. If those things didn't wipe me out, I can suck it up and work that night shift or tackle that mountain of laundry.
Step one has been making drastic changes to my work schedule. I originally took the job out of desperation. Travis had been laid off and his first employment prospect wasn't very promising, and I needed to do what I could to keep us afloat. When he was offered a much better job than the one he originally interviewed for, I wanted my job as a way to get out of the house and bring in a little extra fun money. It didn't take long to bump me up to a position with more hours and benefits, which I was grateful for, but soon I was being over-scheduled and felt like my life had become nothing but working and sleeping. With Travis and me working opposite days and us nannying for the neighbor kids during the week, it felt like our family was getting almost no time together. Travis and I were getting even less. His old job in Omaha had him working upwards of 70 hours a week at times, and he missed out on so much. When he started at the railroad, he moved out west a few months before the rest of us and missed even more. I think I got tired of holding it together on my own and allowed myself to fall apart a little when I got here, and let him take over. When the railroad laid him off, he took a job that only required three 12-hour shifts on the weekends and gave him to us for most of the week. It's been great, but I can't help but feel like this might be the only time we have to just enjoy being together before the railroad calls him back to the road and we're thrown back into turmoil and uncertainty. So I've been tempted to quit my job. But then I see that little breakdown on my pay stubs that shows me what I'm working for. Health, vision, and dental for the kids and myself. And I know we won't really enjoy our time together if we're broke. So I just cut back.
Step two will be finding a way to enjoy where we are. I miss home, I miss it so fucking much lately, it almost hurts. But I can't keep dwelling on something I can't change right now. We're getting a membership to the rec center so we can work out and take the kids swimming, and just generally have somewhere to go to get us out of the house from time to time. There's a small children's museum we haven't checked out yet, and I want to get the kids in swim lessons. On Tuesday, I switched my early morning shift for an afternoon shift and I want to take Wilder to preschool and feel like I'm part of things again. Because it hasn't felt that way lately.
I still don't feel like I'm part of things with Ryland, and that's hard. We text, and we FaceTime. His teacher emails me to let me know how things are going. I try to communicate with his dad, and he's good about meeting up with me whenever there's a long weekend so Ry can be here. He was here for most of the holiday break, and I'm looking forward to having him here for spring break. But it still doesn't feel right. I don't feel like I'm his mother when I'm not the one getting him ready for school every day. And that's the number one reason I'm desperate to get back. One way or another, it will happen. I just have to try not to lose my mind in the meantime. For whatever reason, it feels like making it to summer is the answer. Summer, when school and other obstacles are out of the way, the lakes and parks open again, the sun shines between the magnificent summer storms. I'm ready for summer.
